Retreat

Well, last weekend was the weekend of my religious retreat. It was really interesting, eye-opening really. I am now aware how little I knew and still know about Christianity. I really found it fascinating, all of the new insight I have. Being brought up in a Catholic community, Parochial school, CCD until I graduated high school, I thought I had a decent grasp of Jesus and God. Nope. I was wrong. Not that I don't know stuff, I just don't know where this stuff comes from.

What killed me is the basic information that never really dawned on me. Like what the cross really means. Jesus died on the cross for our sins before we committed them. Just like that, as soon as we are sorry they are forgiven. And God forgives and forgets. I have heard friends say i shouldn't do this or that it' s a sin (it's wrong), but then say well I have already done this so I am already going to hell (yep, we think like that). It doesn't work like that. If you are sorry and ask for forgiveness it's done. (of course you have to mean it) God doesn't keep score like we do. It is unfortunate we don't just let our past sins go, if it isn't our own mind bringing them up, there always seems to be someone that likes to remind us just exactly how awful we have been in the past. Why? Do we all really believe we are the same as we were 20, 10, 5, or even 1 year ago? We mature, are educated and discover new things all of the time. Of course we change, and I have learned life seems to get better for the most part. I am glad I am done with my early 20s, ok I miss my late 20s a little, but that is not the point. The point is move on and let your past sins go. I have been struggling with that for a long time.

My other epiphany, if you will, was that I needed to leave MN to be able to change. Whether I was fighting the changes, or struggling too hard with making them, I realize now that my desire to leave is really about the fact I wanted to change my life. We all have roles that we fulfill in our lives. We have patterns of behavior and under the best of circumstances those patterns are tough to modify. I had no idea where to even begin making the changes I wanted in my life. Moving was the only answer for me; which is why I think even when things were going wrong with my plans to move I continued with them. My mom wasn't so excited to hear that. I don't think she liked knowing that I couldn't make the changes I needed while in MN. It wasn't any one person or even group of people that made it hard to change. But consider this, had I stopped working so much, quit going out so much, and stayed at home more what would most of you have thought was going on with me? Depression? Illness? Honestly, I would have wondered the same thing. I have wonderful people in my life in MN, I love all of you dearly, but I couldn't become the person I wanted to be, or even begin on that journey, surrounded by all of you. It was too easy to continue in my habits. Thank God I realized that on some instinctive level and opened myself up to this new level of experience - and to Rusty. There is no way I would have allowed someone like him in my life in MN. He would fit in with the wonderful people, but not in with my lifestyle. Does that make any sense?

Regardless there has been a lot of support from many places. My friend Lexi who was brought up on the church pew, as she put it, has been great. An old high school friend that I don't have a chance to talk to very much, was also very supportive. I am always surprised at how it isn't until we learn of another person's experiences that we discover we all struggle with similar problems. (ooh that was a BAd sentence, sorry too lazy to correct it tonight).

Anyhoo, my new knowledge may seem elementary, because it is; but it is exactly what I needed. To be reminded of the basics. I think the most important thing I have learned is that it isn't about religion as much as it is about a relationship with God and myself. Guidance in life is readily accessible, it is just a matter of asking and then doing it. It isn't easy, but it is worth it.